Your Survival Mode Isn’t Your Fault—But It’s Not Serving You Anymore

What if the very patterns you use to feel safe in a relationship are the same ones keeping you stuck?

When I sat down with Ayla Fleming, LCSW, LCADC — a trauma-informed therapist that’s the question we unpacked in this week’s powerful episode of Love and Trauma: The Real Deal.  Ayla isn’t just an expert in the field… she’s lived it.

Ayla grew up in a household shaped by addiction, anxiety, and emotional chaos. Like so many of us, she learned early on to become the strong one, the peacekeeper, the overfunctioner. And just like me — she brought those patterns straight into her adult relationships, thinking they were a form of love.

Together, we opened up about our journeys through codependency, dysregulation, and what it really takes to build a healthy, mutual relationship after trauma has rewired the way you connect.

This isn’t about blame.
It’s about awareness.
Because healing doesn’t happen by trying harder — it happens when we start showing up differently.

Here’s what we covered in this honest, no-fluff conversation:

• Why the very traits you were praised for — like being the strong one or the fixer — may be keeping you in survival mode

• How codependency and trauma show up in romantic relationships, especially when you’re with someone who’s emotionally dysregulated

• What it means to truly “pause” during conflict — and how most of us are actually using control, not calm

• The clash between anxious and avoidant responses and how those defaults can escalate even the smallest issue

• Ayla’s 5 practical tools for becoming more regulated, clear, and grounded — so you can shift your patterns without burning everything down

The Real Deal: My 3 Biggest Takeaways from Ayla

🧠 1. Survival mode feels like safety… until it doesn’t.
When you’ve grown up in chaos, dysfunction feels familiar. You start mistaking intensity for connection and overfunctioning for love. But what kept you safe then isn’t helping now — and realizing that is where real healing starts.

🛑 2. Your calm is more powerful than your control — but only if it’s actually calm.
This one hit me hard. Because I’ve been the “calm” one in the room — but if I’m honest, I was just managing, masking, or forcing peace. Real calm comes from nervous system regulation, not white-knuckling through a hard moment.

🌀 3. Healing your relationship starts with healing how you’re wired.
Before I could expect different responses from my partner, I had to look at how I was showing up. I had to stop abandoning myself in conflict and learn how to pause, check in with my body, and respond instead of react.

This episode is one of the most real and relatable conversations I’ve had on the show — because both Ayla and I have been there. We know what it’s like to carry the emotional weight, to keep trying, and to feel like nothing’s working.

But we also know this:
Change is possible.
And it starts with you.

🎥 Haven’t watched the episode yet? Click here to tune in now.
It’s packed with practical wisdom you can start using today.