Trauma as an Explanation, Not an Excuse

Trauma can leave a lasting impact not just on the person who experienced it but on their relationships, too. In my recent interview with Kathy Baldwin, the self-proclaimed “Crap Expert,” we dove into how unhealed trauma manifests in relationships and, more importantly, how to move forward with understanding, accountability, and healing. Here are the key takeaways from our conversation—lessons that can help anyone navigating the complexities of trauma in relationships.

1. The Hidden Toll of Deflected Trauma

Kathy opened up about the emotional toll she endured in relationships with partners who deflected their unhealed trauma onto her. She described cycles of rejection, shame, and loneliness that left her questioning her worth and feeling unworthy of love.

As Kathy shared, many partners of trauma survivors suffer silently, often prioritizing their partner’s healing while neglecting their own well-being. It’s time to acknowledge this silent suffering and address it head-on. Her story is a powerful reminder that self-awareness and self-care are not optional—they are essential for creating healthier, more balanced connections.

2. Recognizing the Red Flags

One of the most impactful parts of our conversation was Kathy’s reflection on the signs of trauma she missed in her relationships. She described subtle yet significant red flags, such as gaslighting, secrecy, rejection, disproportionate reactions, and constant blame. These signs pointed to deeper, unresolved issues in her partners.

Looking back, Kathy wishes she had trusted her intuition instead of making excuses for these behaviors. She emphasized the importance of recognizing these patterns early, setting boundaries, and taking steps to protect your own emotional health. By learning from her experience, we can better navigate these complex dynamics and seek help when needed.

3. Trauma as an Explanation, Not an Excuse

Perhaps the most eye-opening takeaway from our chat was Kathy’s perspective on trauma as a starting point—not an excuse. Understanding a partner’s traumatic past can help explain certain behaviors, but it doesn’t make those unhealed trauma responses okay. Instead, it’s an opportunity to work together to tackle these issues head-on and develop healthier coping strategies.

Kathy stressed the importance of accountability—for both partners. Healing requires mutual commitment to growth, honesty, and creating new patterns that foster trust and intimacy. This hard truth is what makes true transformation possible.

Moving Forward

Kathy’s insights are a powerful reminder that while trauma can complicate relationships, healing is always possible. It starts with recognizing the signs, addressing the issues with compassion and honesty, and committing to doing the work—both individually and together.

If Kathy’s story resonated with you, remember this: You are not alone, and there is always hope for healing and growth. With the right tools and support, you can create stronger, healthier relationships that start from within.

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Stay tuned for more conversations like this on Love and Trauma: The Real Deal. Together, we can tackle these challenges and find the path to healing.